JM: Young tilted head closeup

cyndrarae

Rebelling against Reality since 2003

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JM: Young tilted head closeup
cyndrarae

J2 RPS fic: Won't let Texas come in the way (1/2)

Title: Won’t let Texas come in the way
Summary: After Jensen moves in, Jared who’s always thought of himself as the quintessential straight boy from Texas, struggles to understand (and resist) what’s happening to him.
Pairings: Jensen/Jared, Jensen/Danneel (implied)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and has absolutely no bearing on who these people are in reality. All events are completely fictional and no slander or defamation is intended. Not for profit.
Author Notes: Birthday fic for ravanna. Hope you like it hon :) Thanks astrangerfate for the quick beta.

***************

Part –1: Back for Season Four (Jared)


It’s ten past twelve at night when they finally get back. To the place that they both call home these days. Jared couldn’t be happier that his best friend and co-star is now also his roommate. Or just housemate, technically speaking.

“Daddy’s home!”

He whistles and calls out to Sadie and Harley and the dogs come running to greet them at the door.

Jensen’s sort of grumpy like he usually is at this hour but suffers through the tail-thumping and the face-licking with a reluctant smile before heading off for a quick shower. Doesn’t go to bed without one, clean freak that he is. Jared checks to see his dog-sitter refilled the water bowls, does the usual security checks around the house before he extricates himself from his ever enthusiastic pups and walks up the stairs to his bedroom.

Vaguely he thinks Jensen forgot to wish him goodnight, again, and bites down on his lower lip when he feels the ridiculous pout coming.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid…”

Kripke had expressed a fleeting concern that his two stars might get fed up of each other and ruin the hot chemistry they still got going after three seasons. Even his mother had worried for the sanity of the two men. Sure she loves Jensen with all her heart. But she also knows the man has a temper, she’s seen it, while her baby boy’s feelings tend to get hurt pretty darn easily. All Jared cares for, though, is whether Jensen is happy and comfortable living in his house or not. And apparently he is, so it’s all good.

Jared steps out of his sneakers first then pulls off his clothes, playing a little slam-n-dunk with his laundry basket. Changes into his favorite blue tee shirt and black-and-white checked pajama bottoms, a raggedy pair of flip-flops he’d gone back to Sandy’s place to collect after they’d broken up, and heads back downstairs.

Maybe Jensen might come out for, like, a drink of water or something. Maybe he could talk him into a game of Guitar before they crashed.

Not that Jared sleeps all that much these nights. Not since Jensen moved in.

They are more brothers now than ever before, and by God the only way they could possibly get any closer is… if they were lovers. Jared tries not to think about it. It’s not like they didn’t know the implications before Jensen moved in. And they are very much aware of what all their fangirls are squealing about on the internet. So yeah, it’s not like the thought has never ever, ever crossed his mind. But he really tries not to think about it.

Too much.

He strives to take his cues from Jensen who is always so darn composed and matter-of-fact about everything really. Sure there are days when Jensen pretends to still find it amusing and they joke about it, like on gag reels and such. But they never really, like, really ever talk about it. It’s almost like a low-level buzzing in the background that Jensen hardly pays attention to, doesn’t know when it’s there and doesn’t miss it when it’s gone.

Unlike Jared, who’s almost always conscious of it, even when they’re alone and more so when they’re not – the eyes following them around wherever they go, all the coy questions that seem to convey one thing, but mean something else altogether.

To Jared, the buzzing just keeps getting louder and louder, until he thinks it’s coming from inside his own self.

He lets his long body fall clumsily to the couch in the living room, picks up the remote and starts flipping through channels.

“Hey you…”

He waves (a bit too eagerly) when Jensen does come out, wearing his usual black t-shirt and grey flannel pants that he likes to sleep in. He has a towel flung around his shoulders that he uses to dry his spiky dark blond hair with.

Jensen nods back at him and heads towards the open kitchen besides the really large living space. It’s a nice house. Jared especially loves the lack of walls in the downstairs area here. Except for the guest room of course, which is now Jensen’s bedroom. Walls are definitely a good thing for Jensen who guards his privacy zealously.

Jensen opens the freezer, grabs a fistful of ice cubes and drops it in his big glass of water.

Jared bites his lip and tries. “You beat?”

“Not really.”

“Departed’s playing on HBO.”

Jared knows how much Jensen loves, loves that movie. Jensen’s dream role is the one played by Matt Damon. Jared thinks his co-star would have been brilliant, hell he’d be better than Damon any day.

“Awesome,” says Jensen and picks up pace to come over to Jared. Does some boneless flopping to the couch of his own and Jared envies how he gets to pull it off so damn gracefully.

The movie’s halfway gone but they don’t mind, he owns the DVD. Jared notices how intent Jensen’s gaze is – like he’s concentrating, absorbing the art of acting directly from the stalwarts cussing and swearing onscreen. They hang out together like that a lot – twelve feet plus of Texas-bred hunk sprawled carelessly besides each other – comfortable. In silence for the most part except the occasional wisecracks that keep popping up in Jared’s head and he just has to let them out. Luckily for him, Jensen always laughs at his jokes. Well, even if it’s not an outright laugh, at least he smirks. And if not even that, Jared always knows when Jensen is amused on the inside.

Jared shifts, struggles to keep his mind on Martin Sheen getting thrown off a building. Tries not to think about how freaking good Jensen smells fresh out of the shower.

“Jared…”

“Hmm?”

“You need to find yourself a girl, dude.”

He starts, tries to laugh. “Why’s that?”

Jensen sighs heavily, grabs the remote and hits mute before turning to face Jared. He’s got that half dangerous smirking Dean face and half ‘we need to talk’ face on and Jared slouches back into his seat.

“’Cause you’ve been staring, man. A lot.”

“Whuh- what…?”

“I know you’re curious.”

“What? No! How… how can you say that?”

Jensen fixes him with a deadpan look. “’cause you told me?”

Oh. Jared looks away, fidgeting, cursing his loose tongue that gets especially looser when he’s down three beers.

Jensen hikes his eyebrows and exhales. “Listen, I get it. You’ve been lonely and no one likes to go to bed alone, me neither. And I get that you feel especially, uh… frisky at this time of the night and all. But I don’t want you to do something on impulse and regret it in the morning. Okay, buddy?”

Jared stutters soundlessly, not sure himself what he’s trying to say, or even supposed to say.

Jensen stands up then, toweling his head needlessly. It’s not like he even has that much hair.

“Seven am sharp, right?”

And he smiles, seeming in no need to hear any of Jared’s explanations whatever they may be, before he quickly turns and walks back into his room. Closes the door behind him with an ominous click.

Jared opens and closes his mouth a couple times before he gives it up entirely. Has he really been that obvious? Who else knows? Hell what if they’ve all noticed and already figured it out? He sighs and drops his face into his hands, burning up with a dreadfully red blush. This is so typically classic Jared – except now he’s making a fool of himself at a subconscious level too.

Jared drags himself off the couch and switches off the TV, suddenly feeling so bone tired he doesn’t know if he could even make it up the stairs. And what’s worse – Jensen forgot to say good night, again.

Well, at least they finally talked about it. Sort of.

******

“What if I don’t regret it?”

Jensen is the one who starts this time, misses a whole chord and Jared wins.

It’s four days later and they are on their third Battle round of Guitar Hero on Jared’s PS3. The dogs are lazing about on the rug before them, happy to have the boys back home earlier than usual. They got take-out, Chinese for Jensen and Chinese and Mexican for Jared, and tomorrow’s the weekend so they can take it easy for a change.

Except Jared can’t really take it easy at all. The last four days haven’t been easy either.

Jensen puts his controller down and turns towards Jared, waits for the younger man to gather enough courage to do the same.

“How do you know you won’t?”

Jared tries to shrug, like it’s not that big a deal. “I’d like to think our… our friendship is stronger than, that.”

Strong enough to brave this idiotic (gay) obsession for his best friend? Maybe, maybe not. For now all Jared knows is he wants, no, needs to know what it feels like – Jared needs Jensen to… just… touch him.

Fine so he’s curious, he’s been known to have a natural thirst for knowledge and new adventures, that’s all. Doesn’t mean he’s gay, least not yet. Right?

Jensen studies him for a long, long time. “What did you have in mind?”

His palms sweat and he dips his head so he doesn’t have to look into Jensen’s eyes piercing right through him. “I don’t know. You’re the one with the… uh..”

“Experience?”

“Y-Yeah.”

Jensen looks at him in a way he’s never done before, ever. It makes Jared feel acutely uncomfortable, and acutely naked. Ashamed, as if he’d said something or done something he shouldn’t have. As if he’s yet to say something and do something he should.

“What you want is a girl, dude.”

Jared feels his heart lurch and then sink again, he’s never been any good at handling rejection.

Disappointed, he nods once, looks down into his lap and then back at the giant LCD screen before them. Starts to open another game hoping Jensen would do what he’s so good at – slip back into their normal ‘just two boys from Texas hanging out’ routine like nothing’s wrong so they can move on from this (another) embarrassing fiasco without any more fuss.

Except this time, Jensen has other ideas.

It starts out slow. Jensen slides closer to him on the couch, takes the plastic guitar out of Jared’s hand and puts it aside. Jared doesn’t know what to expect, all he knows is that his pulse is racing and his hands are sweating and he really, really, really would like to run and hide right now.

Okay, maybe not.

“Just relax.”

Jared winces his eyes shut at the kindness in Jensen’s voice. Feels the sensation of light against his eyelids soften and guesses Jensen must have switched off the floor lamp nearby. He jumps when a hand comes to rest on his crotch, although he really should have been expecting it.

“Shh…”

He dares to open his eyes a smidge but keeps them lowered and watches, trembles, as two hands slowly lower his sweatpants along with his briefs, sliding them down his waist and off his groin and past his ugly, skinny thighs until they are bunched up at his knees.

Jared catches himself moaning and bites his lip to stop, but when Jensen’s scalding hot skin comes in touch with his cold clammy one there’s no way he can stay quiet. Jensen is skillful and adept and very much into fondling the younger man’s genitals, rolling the hairless balls in one hand and forming a snug fist around the shaft. He squeezes and pulls and strokes and teases until Jared is rock-hard and writhing on the couch, his vision swimming in the gathering pools of water at the rim of his eyes.

When Jared comes, it’s like an explosion of a thousand sensations that he’d been holding inside of him for months. His head falls back on the armrest as Jensen holds him by the hips and pulls him down on the couch, gently settling him into a supine position. Jensen’s been muttering soft, calming nonsense at him all this time and Jared can’t help but smile at the irony – who would have thought that Ackles, the man of so darn few words, would be such a sexy talker in bed.

He wonders if Jensen would ever talk dirty to him someday.

Jared feels sleepy and sated, ready to crash right here in the living room, enjoying the sweet afterglow way too much to think about what happens next. Or what should happen next.

“I’m gonna turn in.”

Jared blinks open his eyes in a flash, raises himself from the armrest but Jensen is already on his way towards his bedroom.

“Jen…?”

“Good night, Jare.”

The door closes on him with a resolute thud once again. It is much, much later that Jared realizes he hadn’t even thought of offering to return the favor.

******

They don’t exactly talk about it.

But somehow, strangely, fortunately, it doesn’t affect their relationship outside the house at all. They’re still best buds and ideally matched co-stars with crackling chemistry that together they play off of to keep the show interesting and the fans happy. They’re still goofing around the set and pranking each other and the costume guy, going out with the Smallville cast and crew for drinks, practicing their lines on the way to set and walking the dogs together and it’s all just so… normal.

That is, until they get back home.

Home is where the restlessness returns, at least for Jared it does. Jensen clearly sees no reasons to fret or act like a cat on a hot tin roof, no that’s Jared’s forte. Instead Jensen acts like Guitar Hero’s being forever synonymized with goddamn brilliant handjobs on the couch isn’t all that big a deal.

“Yes!! I win, again!” Jared yells, pleased with himself for not letting himself get distracted long enough to win a second game.

“Yeah, yeah. Punk.” Jensen mutters and Jared laughs and before he knows it, Jensen is suggesting maybe Jared should be awarded for his latest triumph.

He still jumps a mile high when the beautiful hands reach for his waistband, still resists, though barely, when Jensen pushes him down onto the couch. Still closes his eyes and throws his head back and lets Jensen take care of him, most days with just his hands and sometimes, like today, with his mouth.

Jared digs his fingernails into the leather underneath him, struggling hard not to thrust up into Jensen’s gorgeously tempting mouth. Throws his legs as wide apart as they’d go, given that Jensen has taken to stripping off his pants completely of late. Jared doesn’t bite his lip anymore and just moans his heart out because apparently it’s what Jensen likes to hear. Jensen slides those talented lips of his up and down, up and down the throbbing length, pressing the flat of his tongue into the sensitive underside and swirling around the mushrooming head like a freaking ice cream cone.

Jared just lies there and takes it, enjoys the older man’s attention for once focused wholly and solely on him, until he can’t take it anymore. When he comes, the fireworks blow his mind clear out of the water and he usually whites out for a bit. And by the time he resurfaces Jensen is gone, leaving only the sound of his hushed whispers behind, echoing hauntingly in Jared’s ears.

“Sleep well, Jared. Shh… it’s okay, we’ll get you a girl soon enough.”

The lonely walk back up the stairs to his room gets longer and harder every night.

******

Jensen is on the phone, booking a hotel room for the next weekend when Danneel is supposed to be in town. Jared stands at the kitchen counter slicing onions with a vengeance that never shows up on camera when he’s supposed to be gutting a demon.

“Right, that’s done.” Jensen claps his hands, excited. Obviously.

He comes over to stand by Jared’s side in the kitchen. “What’s for dinner?”

Jared wants to sulk and not respond period. Something’s bugging him, obviously, but he doesn’t know how to explain it even to himself, let alone Jensen.

“Risotto with Scampi.”

”Awesome. Want me to open the bottle of wine for ya?”

“Sure.”

Jensen plunges the corkscrew in and pulls the stopper out as elegantly as he does everything else. There is silence for a whole two minutes. That never happens. No really, never.

“What’s wrong?” Jensen’s voice is condescending, like he sees one of Jared’s classic mood swings coming on and the last thing he wants is to deal with it and dampen his own high spirits.

Jared clears his throat and tries not to be a complete girl about this. “Why do you need a hotel room?”

Jensen turns his palms up to the ceiling. “I’d think it was obvious dude. We don’t wanna bug you.”

“You won’t.”

Seconds pass them by, before Jensen casually walks up to him and takes the knife out of Jared’s hands. Jared wonders why he did that, until he sees the super duper finely chopped onions on his tray.

“Well, maybe we don’t want you bugging us. Ever think of that?”

Jensen is smiling but there is something in his tone that’s harder than maybe he intends it to be. Something that bites.

Jared leans against the counter and tries to smile back. “Right, sorry. I didn’t think of that.”

Jensen says nothing to that. Jared wonders if he is even allowed to feel jealous.

“I don’t think of a lot of things. Only ever think of myself.”

“…”

“I’m a selfish jerk, aren’t I?”

Jensen blinks and turns away. “I’ve never asked you for anything, Jare’. Stop freaking out on me, alright?”

And that’s the end of it. It’s always the precise choice of words, the deep, no-nonsense character of Jensen’s voice that stops him cold in his tracks. End of discussion. Period.

******

They retire to their respective rooms soon after dinner. No Guitar, no HBO tonight. Jared paces upstairs in his room, Sadie follows him back and forth. Looking up with seeking eyes, wondering what sort of game her daddy is up to so long after sundown.

Finally he just takes a huge, huge breath and heads downstairs.

Stands at the door for a whole three minutes wondering if he should knock. Technically this is still his house so he shouldn’t have to, right? Sure, like that’s going to fly. And why is he here again?

Jared knocks.

A bedside lamp is switched on inside. “Come on in…”

Jensen lies on his back on top of the covers, with his ankles crossed and his head resting in his hands. A quick nod of the head and he beckons Jared over. He has noticed before how Jensen always occupies just one side, the left side of the king-sized bed, like he expects someone to be joining him at night.

Jared shivers, most likely from the cold floor under his bare feet, yeah that must be it. He gets onto the bed and curls up on his left side next to Jensen, pulling his knees up to his chest and maintaining a healthily platonic distance from his best friend.

“Are you mad?”

“Do I look mad?”

Good point. Jared always knows when Jensen is mad, mostly because he hardly ever does anything to hide it. When Jensen’s pissed, he wants the world to know it and fucking well do something about it. They lie like that in silence for awhile.

“Why… why don’t you?”

Jensen swallows hard but keeps staring up at the high ceiling. All their conversations happen like that – effortlessly paused and resumed at will, spanning across hours, days, sometimes even weeks. Jensen always knows what Jared means, and Jared hopes he does the same for Jensen too.

“I don’t wanna force you into something you don’t want, Jared.”

“How do you know I don’t want it?”

Jensen snorts then, and it’s not a benign snort. “I know what I want. And I don’t think you’d want that.”

Jared blinks, trying to keep up with the conversation that’s rapidly turning into a tongue-twister full of want and more want. And he wants, alright. He wants so bad, it is ripping his heart right out of his chest just like in the episode with the Witnesses.

No one has to know, right? And it’s not like he’s a complete moron, he knows what goes where. How different could it be from girl-sex?

“Try me.”

The older man looks down at Jared’s face then and exhales deeply. “Danneel’s bringing a friend along. She’s an actress in LA, does theater and stuff.”

Jared frowns, starts to unfurl and sit up.

“Think she was in Wicked or something, really hot, and really tall.”

“You’re setting me up with someone?”

“You’ll like her.”

“I don’t want to like her, Jensen!”

Jensen sits up too, suddenly not looking as relaxed as he did a couple minutes ago. “I can’t keep doing this, man. I can’t be your fucking substitute for a girl with a warm mouth and an experienced pair of hands every night.”

“Jesus, is that what you think I think of you?”

Jensen scowls so hard and so hatefully, it is like sitting across a person Jared doesn’t even know.

“That’s a question you need to ask yourself, Jared. Ask yourself why you keep your distance all day but come peddling your jewels to me only at night. Ask yourself why you keep your eyes closed every time I suck you dry. Or why your hands grip the fucking upholstery so tight you’re starting to shred it. Anything to not have to touch me and break the fucking illusion. Ain’t that right?”

Jared wheezes, shaking from the force of Jensen’s words and his own impotence to challenge them.

“That’s n-not…”

He doesn’t get to finish, which is just as well, he didn’t know how anyway. Jared gasps when he’s suddenly grasped by his arms and Jensen pushes him down face first into the bed damn near violently. Strong hands circle Jared’s wrists holding them captive by the sides of his head, and one knee digs painfully into the small of his back.

“You wanna know I want?” Jensen hisses furiously into his hair. “I’ll tell you what I want, Jared.”

Jared thinks he couldn’t have moved even if Jensen wasn’t holding him down, the shock is enough to paralyze every single nerve in his body.

“Every time I see you, I want to bend you over the nearest surface and fuck that sweet ass hard until you’re screaming your lungs out. I want to drive my cock so deep up your ass you’d feel it in your throat.”

Jared struggles to get away, far and away from the ugly bluntness of those words. But for all his extra inches he’s still completely powerless, still pinned under Jensen’s bulk.

“I wanna stretch you out with all my fingers one by one by one and pound your little g-spot until you cry real tears, Jared. I wanna lick you open with my tongue, make you feel so impossibly empty you’d beg for my cock, my fingers, anything! Anything that I’d be merciful enough to push inside of you and keep it there for as long as I want. I want, Jared. I want you so fucking bad, and how’s this for your macho Texan, most eligible bachelor of the year self-image, huh?”

“Let me go…”

Jensen breathes harshly right into Jared’s ear, then lowers his hips until his erection is poking Jared at the crevice of his butt. Jared flinches and closes his eyes shut, tight. It isn’t supposed to happen like this. Not like this.

“How does that feel, Jared. Does that feel like a fucking girl to you?”

A feeble sob escapes him then, and Jared quits struggling. His abrupt stillness seems to break Jensen out of whatever trance he’d been in two seconds ago. The heavy weight lifts off of him and the hands crushing his wrists disappear just as quickly.

“Shit,” a deep voice mutters and Jared closes his eyes in defeat. He was right – nothing (no one) is holding him down anymore and he still can’t move.

“Jared I… I’m so sorry.” Jensen says, keeping a safe distance from the bed.

It’s too much. Too much, too soon. And Jared doesn’t know what to think. Doesn’t know what he wants anymore. Slowly, painfully, he pulls himself off the bed, Jensen’s bed. He keeps his eyes lowered as he hugs himself without really meaning to, then swiftly exits the room. Jensen’s room.

He hears Jensen calling after him a couple of times but can’t bring himself to stop. Takes the stairs three at a time to reach the solace of his bedroom, where he crumples to the floor in a pile of useless limbs like a wooden puppet whose strings were just slashed.

It is only much, much later he realizes that not counting Dean’s lines, Jensen hasn’t spoken so many words in weeks.

******

“Rise and shine!”

The irony of the moment isn’t lost on Jared – usually he’s the one singsonging each morning to wake Jensen up. This is the first ever that Jensen’s up before Jared, but technically it doesn’t count ‘cause Jared never slept. Not a wink, all night. A tiny part of him suspects (and hopes) Jensen didn’t either.

He lies on his stomach like he usually does, head turned away from the door where he knows his housemate stands. Jensen’s the kind of guy who doesn’t enter until Jared specifically asks him to come in. Like a frigging Whedon’s vampire, he waits for permission, only, he asks for it every damn time. But this time Jared doesn’t respond, doesn’t give any indication he even heard him, and Jensen walks in anyway.

Another first ever.

He comes around the bed and Jared keeps his eyes closed, not ready to give in or forgive just yet. Jensen kneels beside the low bed, resting one elbow cautiously next to Jared’s face.

“I know you’re awake.”

A hand hesitates but lands on the back of his neck, warm and gentle, and somehow Jared doesn’t flinch away like he wants to. Jensen moves the fingers timidly and ruffles his curly morning hair.

“I’m so sorry for last night, Jare’. Don’t know what got into me…”

Jared turns his head the other way, keeps his eyes closed and Jensen’s hand eventually disappears. Clears his throat and changes the subject. “Hey, we’re getting late. Cliff’s gonna be here any minute now.”

“…”

“Jared? Please talk to me, kiddo.”

Jared doesn’t like this timbre Jensen uses… this low, quiet little excuse for a voice that’s nowhere near the deep, confident baritone he’s used to hearing from his best friend. Blankly he opens his eyes, then pushes himself off the bed and escapes into the bathroom. And he stays there, waiting, holding his breath until he hears the heavy footsteps leave the room at last.

******

Things settle down and back to normal in a couple days, like they do every time they’ve had any other inane, garden-variety argument. Like it’s no big deal. Like nothing’s so big that it couldn’t be overcome by the seemingly eternal force of their friendship.

They go back to being best buds and perfectly matched co-stars, goofing around the set and pranking each other, going out for drinks, practicing their lines and walking the dogs… normal.

Except Jared doesn’t wanna play Guitar after dinner anymore, and Jensen doesn’t care if they’re doing the best of Al Pacino on HBO all week. Jared lies in his bed tossing and turning and daydreaming – well, technically it’s in the night but he’s still wide awake so it’s daydreaming alright. Often catches himself talking to himself, practicing lines he wants to say, lines he should have said when he had the chance, trying out varying degrees of emotions ranging from self-righteous anger to pathetically victimized puppy love.

Love…

He tries jacking off a couple of times, but vivid hi-def images of Jensen flood his mind every time and Jared forces himself to stop. He doesn’t want to get off on the phantom memory of what Jensen would – could do to him. Doesn’t want to admit that he misses and craves those hands and arms, and lips, those burning words…

I want, Jared. I want you so fucking bad…

Tries to block out the words that had followed next, doesn’t quite fail. Doesn’t succeed either.

He barely sleeps a couple of hours at dawn before he has to wake up and take the dogs out. Overdoses on candy and chocolate to keep his energy levels up and the ruse goes on unsuspected. Not even Jensen sees through it, or if he does, he’s probably too busy keeping his own game face on.

Or maybe he just doesn’t care.

“Daddy’s home!!”

Jared calls out and expects his babies to come running to him like they do every night. But tonight there’s someone else following right after them.

“Danneel?”

She smiles and comes over to hug him like she always does. “Kathy let me in.”

Jared hugs back, hating his dog-sitter for being such a good Samaritan. He doesn’t stick around to watch as Jensen comes in through the door and Danneel does her usual shrieking and jumping and climbing her on-again off-again boyfriend like he was a frigging tree. Right up until the top of the stairs, he can hear the obscene slurping sounds they make and it makes him want to retch.

Danneel wants to cook, so Jensen perches on the granite beside her watching her work. She moves around the kitchen with a casual familiarity that comes to most women almost naturally. Everything about her is so elegant and graceful, whereas he’s always the buffoon everyone laughs at, nothing but clumsy-ass butterfingers.

Jared tries not to glare too hard from his place at the dining table, seeking much needed comfort in the company of his puppies instead.

“You guys actually went out and bought groceries to stock up? I’m so proud of you!”

Jared rolls his eyes but keeps his head lowered.

“Wait a minute,” Danneel squints. “That’s not like you at all, Jen. Bet you slept in and made Jared do all the shopping by his lonesome, didn’t ya?”

Alright so she’s not all bad, fact Jared’s always liked hanging out with her. She could even get along with (read: tolerate) Sandy when none of his other lady friends would. But things are different now. He wishes they weren’t, he wishes they could go back to the simpler times when he didn’t feel jealous of his best friend’s girlfriend.

But they can’t, and he does. And he doesn’t know what to do about it.

“I’m sorry you didn’t feel up to meeting Analeigh, Jared. She’s a fun gal.”

Jensen turns away, and Jared’s left with no choice but to front the unasked question. He clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s been a busy week. I just need some time to unwind, you know?”

She nods, “I understand.”

There is an awkwardness in the air that Jared feels guilty for, and hence compelled to do something about. “So, Analeigh… is she the Wicked Witch of the West?”

She chuckles. “Nah, she’s the good one. More fun to play the bad girl, if you ask me.”

“You like being slapped and getting drinks thrown in your face?”

The look on Jensen’s face is slightly murderous and Jared bites his tongue, a little too late. Two months ago, the same sentence wouldn’t have been such a bitchy thing to say but it is now. Jared knows it and he knows Jensen knows it too. He’s relieved when she just laughs though, not suspecting a thing. Jensen turns away from him again, changes the subject to something Jared doesn’t quite catch, or care about. Looks away to find Sadie’s sad eyes trained on him keenly.

Guess it’s a good thing Jensen booked that hotel room after all.

******

It’s a bright Saturday afternoon, one of the last they’ll see for the next six months, but Jared blows off going to the gym along with all plans to socialize. Who wants to play pool and have lunch with his buddies when he can stay home in just his pajama bottoms and lament the loss of something he never really had?

Jensen and Danneel had packed an overnighter and left soon after dinner last night. It’s the first time that Jared is physically away from Jensen ever since they came back to Vancouver for season four. It’s the first time Jared’s sitting inside Jensen’s room, on Jensen’s bed since that night he’d… they’d…

Jared winces his eyes shut, curls up again pulling his knees into his chest, pretends he is lying next to Jensen. And it’s the first time that he lets himself think, really think about what happened four nights ago. And all the nights that came before that.

Single. White. Male. Those are the words he’s always used to describe himself on MySpace and Facebook and shit. Hometown: San Antonio, Texas. Sexual orientation: Straight. Religion: Protestant. Political views: Democrat. Favorite beer: Saint Arnold Brown. Favorite basketball team: Spurs. Favorite band: Dave Matthews. Favorite Charlie’s Angels: Farrah fucking Fawcett. Just like every other damn kid he grew up with.

But is that really who he is today?

Jared curls up tighter and whimpers deep in his throat. Jensen was right – there is an image of himself, the perception of a Jared Padalecki everyone knows and takes for granted that he’s created over the years, and he’s scared to death of what’d happen when the illusion breaks.

But then there’s Jensen… beautiful, incredible Jensen, who transcends all ordinary definitions of the words ‘friend’ and ‘brother’ – and is so much more than what one looks for in an ideal partner for life. For God’s sake, it wasn’t freakin’ homosexuality at first sight. It was a connection of minds that grew deeper and stronger with time. Jared was telling Jensen how much he loved him long, long before his body turned on him, started to behave differently, oddly, reacting to the closeness of Jensen in a way it’s never reacted to a man before. By the time Jared realized what was happening, it was simply too late – Jensen had made himself completely at home in his life, in his heart, and his home. And Jared never wanted him to leave.

So how the hell then did Jared manage to make Jensen feel like he was nothing more than a hot mouth and a pair of hands?

Jared bites his lower lip so hard it bleeds, remembering all the things Jensen threw in his face that night. Yes he kept his eyes closed and pretended – pretended that gender had no bearing nor consequence for what they did here in the protection of their home. He gripped the edges of the couch so hard his knuckles turned white and ached for hours afterwards just so he could tell himself he’d had no choice in the matter, so he couldn’t be held responsible for the dirtybadwrong of it.

Yes, Jared pretends, and he knows now it’s because he’s a fool and a fucking wimp. God knows he’s lost more than just a few stolen moments of forbidden pleasure and companionship. He’s lost his best friend’s respect – and that hurts more than anything and everything else.

Harley comes padding into the room and tilts his neck to a side as if wondering what Jared was doing in Jensen’s bed.

Jared smiles sadly at his boy. “Don’t tell him, okay buddy?”

Harley watches him for a while, then turns and goes to the corner where Jensen keeps his little cooler stocked with beer. Yeah, he’s a typical lazy-ass Texan bum like that. Jared watches as the dog actually lifts the lid open, grabs the fat end of a Heineken within his jaw and trots back over to the bed.

“What the hell?? When did he teach you to fetch him his beer?”

Jared’s awestruck and laughing and Harley is yipping, happy to see his master smiling at last. Jared takes the bottle from him and watches as Harley goes back to push the lid back down which makes him laughs some more. He laughs so hard there’s tears in his eyes and it’s like a dam is broken and he can’t hold himself back anymore.

He cries because there’s no one here (except Harley) to witness his disgrace, no one to judge him for being less than the man everyone thinks he is. He’s crying because he doesn’t have the answers Jensen is looking for, and he doesn’t have his best friend here to help figure them out either. He’s crying because he feels undone, broken into a thousand piece puzzle that once fit together perfectly to define the person he once was. But now he doesn’t know who or what or why he’s supposed to be and the pieces just… don’t… fit any more.

Jared finally cries himself to sleep. And it’s the most he’s slept in weeks.

******

He doesn’t know how long he sleeps, and when he wakes up he thinks he’s still dreaming with his eyes open. Which would be understandable. He’s a Cancer after all.

Jensen is lying next to him the way he usually does – on his back with his hands clasped under his head and his ankles crossed at the foot of the bed. For some incomprehensible reason, Jared's head is cushioned on Jensen’s shoulder and his right hand has managed to fist itself into Jensen’s black shirt hanging outside of his blue jeans.

“Sorry…” Jared pulls away quickly, resting his head back on the pillow which he realizes is kind of damp, can’t remember why.

Jensen does that bobbing thing with his Adam’s Apple when he looks down to meet Jared’s eyes. “I didn’t mind.”

His face is already burning a bright crimson at having been caught sleeping in Jensen’s room, in Jensen’s bed and half-naked at that. Every instinct in his body screams to get up and away before he does something else that’s clumsy or humiliating or both in classic Jared style. But when he tries, Jensen pulls a hand out from under his head and places it heavily on Jared’s shoulder. Doesn’t exert any force or use any words but Jared hears him loud and clear. Falls back on the bed and tries not to twitch from the warmth of Jensen’s palm seeping through his clammy, naked skin.

“What time is it?”

The ploy works. Jensen has to lift his hand off of Jared to look at his watch, and it doesn’t return. “Twenty hundred. You slept quite awhile there, Padalecki.”

In your bed. Jared bites his lip. “How long have you…?”

“All day.”

Jared freezes.

“Danneel… she had to go back.”

He doesn’t ask why, or what for. It’s none of his business, so long as she stays gone. Winces, cursing himself for his jealous inner bitch. Jensen raises a hand again but at Jared’s slight flinch, he pauses its movement towards the younger man’s face.

“Shh.. it’s okay.”

Jared doesn’t stir again as the hand caresses the side of his face, gently pushes a lock of hair behind his ear. The fingers linger, stroking the soft skin before slowly sliding down to the back of his neck.

“Been a rough week, hasn’t it, kiddo?”

Jared can’t take his eyes off Jensen, his lips moving with the silent cadence of rapid erratic breaths. His overlong legs start to curl upwards again just as Jensen shifts on the bed to get closer.

“Jared, the things I said to you the other night…”

“…”

“I’m sorry I freaked you out. I’m not exactly a patient man, you know that by now. Got frustrated and it just, got out of control.”

“…”

“You’re not ready, I know that. I would never force you into doing anything you don’t want to. You have to know that, Jared. You trust me, don’t you?”

With every word that came out of Jensen’s mouth, Jared hears the ones that don’t. His heartbeat quickens and his vision threatens to blur again but he needs to be sure.

“Jensen, a-are you saying that… you still wanna?”

Jensen smirks in that signature way the world thinks belongs to Dean Winchester. But Jared knows it’s all one hundred percent pure Jensen – all heart and soul and crows feet crinkling by the sides of his mesmerizing sea-green eyes.

“Damn right I still wanna.”

“B-but what about what you said? ‘bout me being selfish and…”

“You said selfish, I didn’t.”

Oh so now he wants to be eight-year old about this. Jared draws back from Jensen’s roaming hand. “Jensen, you know what you said.”

The older man stretches his hand out to clasp the back of Jared’s neck so he can’t get any further away. “Yeah I know what I said. And maybe this makes me really lame-ass needy in a creepy sort of way but…”

Jared grimaces, waiting to hear the end of that sentence that takes its own time coming.

“I miss you.”

That’s when he stops breathing.

“And I know you miss me too.” Jensen gazes deep into his eyes. “And it’s okay if you’re not ready or if you’ll never be. I remember what it was like for me the first time I realized I was into men as much as women.”

Of course Jensen would know, the inner turmoil of a person who was raised to be a certain kind of guy only to realize that nature is bound to take its own course eventually, and you just can’t fight it, no matter what.

“It’s okay if you wanna pretend with me, Jared,” Jensen drops his voice to a whisper, the kind that slithers down all of Jared’s senses and makes him want to close his eyes and just… give in.

“I’ll take you anyway I can get you.”

There’s no time allowed to process any of it. The next thing he knows, Jensen is rising to his hands and knees and sashaying down Jared’s body without actually touching him. He stops when he reaches the hips and his warm and sure hands start to strip the covers off Jared’s genitals.

Jared pants. “No, wait, please…”

His vision is swimming and blurry once again and damn it this being gay thing is really gonna be a bitch on his already hyperactive emotional quotient. But Jensen’s said his piece, and now he needs to say his, even if he ends up making a fool of himself. Again.

“Jensen, I… I am selfish. I’m a totally self-centered bastard, and you have to know why.”

“…”

He swallows hard. “Because a-all those th-things you said you w-wanted to do t-to me…”

“Yeah?”

“I-I want you to.”

Jensen’s eyes get comically wide, it’s a look that suits him, among several million others.

“Jare’? You sure?”

Something pulls at the corner of his lips. It’s what’s traditionally called a smile but Jared isn’t aware of it yet. “I want it all. I want e-everything there is, everything you got, man.”

Everything.

The word echoes between the two men and Jared realizes he doesn’t feel the usual urge to close his eyes or torture his knuckles anymore. This is what he wants – this out of control Jensen, this best friend and soulmate who is above all the damn labels and stereotypes of this world to him.

He reaches out and grabs the collar on Jensen’s shirt, pulling him closer to himself. “Teach this old dog some new tricks too, will you?”

Jensen laughs, tears brimming brightly in his shell-shocked eyes and Jared laughs along.

He slides up until once again he’s lying next to Jared, although he’s more on him this time than besides. Jared brings his shaking arms around the man’s torso to hold him closer to himself, soothing the goose bumps of his chest against the rough denim of Jensen’s shirt.

“Guess I should start with the basics then,” Jensen whispers, licking his lips.

And Jared smiles, flashing those effortlessly elegant dimples no mere mortal could possibly resist.

It’s their first kiss ever. And it’s just as Jared always imagined it. Absolutely perfect.

******

Part 2/2 >>

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*Runs, doesn't walk, to part two....*

*saves for later reading*
x

I really enjoyed this. :) The buildup, with its tension, was very realistic with a thoroughly satisfying payoff. I could see things happening just this way. Thanks for sharing :)

Thank YOU so much for reading and reviewing! I'm very glad you enjoyed this hon :)

OMG! I love this. Perfect and tender and the turmoil in Jared is delicious and the WANT in Jensen is so fucking hot!

*hugs you*

Thank you so much hon! I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this story *hugs back* :)

OMG, your banner is made of awesome!!! Don't have time to read this now, and I don't wanna read it in parts, but it's already safely bookmarked ;)
Back later...

Oh. My. Word. O.O

*trots off to read the next bit*

..... and?? :) *crosses fingers*

Oh, this is a masterpiece! I LOVE the way you write these two guys. I think you have captured it perfectly! I can TOTALLY see them saying (and doing) all of this! can't wait to read the next part!!

:D Thanks hon. I get the feeling you liked this part more than the next one yeah? ;) That's okay this one's my favorite part too. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I´m so happy a friend recommended your story to me!
I love it!
Unfortunately I have to go to work now, but will save the second part for tonight.
Will be back in a few ;O)


Oh dear lord! you are a genius woman! and you always, always! without failure drag me in completely! I love how detailed the characterization of your boys are and how you show their growth and development! I can't make much coherent comment except that I believe you have the boys down pat (like how I see them when I see the boys but cannot express!) and it's amazing how much you make us feel their emotions! now I'm off to read the second part :D *huggles*

:D:D You're TOO kind to me darlin, too kind! *hugs you tight*

Wow. I really really loved this.
Nowadays while I read a fic I do other stuff too but this story had my full attention. It's truly awesome so far. Great job, hun!

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