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JM: Young tilted head closeup

cyndrarae

Rebelling against Reality since 2003

v14.0


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JM: Young tilted head closeup
cyndrarae

SPN fic: Good to Feel (NC-17)

Title: Good to Feel
Pairings:
Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2,651
Spoilers: Pretty much everything up to episode 217:Heart.
Summary: For Dean, physical pain is a way of life. And after Madison, Sam starts to agree.
Written for spn_boc. Lyrics are from the song "Good to Feel Hungry" by Blue Oyster Cult. Dedicated to my dear friend roseganymede  for starting this lovely comm, and to sammynce  because he is such a sweetheart! Muwaah!! :D
Notes/Warnings: Not a love story. Sam is OOC. Self-mutilation and musings on suicide, but nothing too graphic. Reads like the ramblings of a deranged mind, which isn't so far off the truth anyway :P Oh and angst,  lots of it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one. This is purely a venting writing exercise, not for profit.

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Oh wow! That gave me chills. I've got a friend self-destructing at the moment - it's not nice to watch people you love hurt themselves...

Thanks for reading and reviewing hon. Yeah it's really painful to see someone you care about go through that. I hope your friend gets the help he/she needs and soon! cheers.
ps: Love your icon :)

Trying gamely to read and comment on everyone who participated in _boc!

I like the structure, here - the way you begin each section with narrative and conclude it with a short dialogue exchange that "caps" the emotional context.

This fandom does love its angst, doesn't it?

And yes, pain (and hunting) is their common bond. Poor Dean - he'd do just about anything for Sam. And Sam and his Romany boyfriend? I think that ripped me up a bit, because Dima in his way is so similar to Dean's adult self that I can easily see how Sam would fall for him. Poor woobie!

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment as well hon :) That's very sweet of you and I should do it myself! Planning to catch up this weekend..
I'm glad you liked this fic. It did get more angsty than I was initially going for heh.

Poor Dean - he'd do just about anything for Sam. And Sam and his Romany boyfriend? I think that ripped me up a bit, because Dima in his way is so similar to Dean's adult self that I can easily see how Sam would fall for him.

Woah.. I probably didn't notice it while writing it myself but you're right.. Dima and the adult Dean really are similar! Good catch sweetheart :) I guess the boys don't consciously realize that their pining for each other is anything more than just normal brotherly love. And maybe for Dean there really isn't. But for Sam, yeah, he's always had a little something extra in the back of his mind that never went away despite the Dimas and Jessicas and Madisons of the world.

Thank you so much for your awesome feedback hon :)

From dean_rocks (having problem setting up posting, sorry):

That was one of the most amazing SPN stories I've read in my time in this fandom

(awright, I admit it's only been 6 weeks, but wtf...)

And you caught on to the whole thing behind it. The Winchesters bury their pain, both physical and emotional, of necessity, but Sam's not made of the same stuff as John, who can drown his in a bottle or vengeance-steeped dreams. He's not Dean, who for all his own drinking/wenching/eating has always had the BIG reason of the entire family to remain functional : He's been Sammy's de facto mother, father, guide and protector for
nearly the brother's lifetime. Without even consciously knowing it, Dean is one of the most self-destructive, passively if not actively suicidal characters on television. He literally has no limits where his family is concerned, which is why all those fics that have Sammy fed and clothed and taken care of by underage Dean taking a deep breath and going out to hustle his bustle don't ring false. He is his RESPONSIBILITY, one he accepts in the deepest corners of the soul that's been sold to give his beloved brother one more chance to walk the earth.

And it's why in this fic he'd allow Sammy the use of his body whenSam was at the total end of his rope. I'm still quite uncomfortable with the whole Wincest thing as a whole, but even I have to admit that in this one particular case with these two particular brothers who've been so messed up by their most unusual childhoods, it may actually make more sense for them to stay together with someone who at least gets the whole background they were subjected to.

And Dean's heart breaks at every turn, doesn't it? He GETS the pain that would make Sammy take a razor to himself. He GETS the pain needing to be expressed somehow to make Sam feel that he's still alive through the all=encompassing numbness. This is a common thing after a catastrophic occurrence, happens to a surprising amount of people *coughaskmenoquestionsandI'lltellyounoliescough*, and their lives have been just one layer of catastrophe after another, haven't they. The pain makes him feel like he's still alive, and his brother must finally listen to what's inside the other man's heart.

For Dean to permit what disgusts him because he honestly feels Sammy needs it to survive no matter what he himself thinks is so Dean. That's a Wincest I can understand from these painfilled angstpuppies.

Thank you for writing this.

Red

Happy Deangirl who'd be happier if HE were happier

Hey Red! First of all, welcome to the fandom.. its crazy in here!! And a whole lot of very talented writers that you'll soon figure out for yourself ;) And thank you so much for reading and reviewing :) The Winchesters have made a life and a career or two out of their shared pain. I just had to write it out, in a way also to maybe try and explain or rationalize the wincest. Which by the way, I believe is a very very real possibility.

He is his RESPONSIBILITY, one he accepts in the deepest corners of the soul that's been sold to give his beloved brother one more chance to walk the earth.

Exactly!! You have a better way with words that I do, you should be writing too! :) I agree with everything you said about Dean. And that is why, this story isn't really about porny love. Dean does not see Sammy in a sexual way at all. But he does it because Sam needs it. Its a love so strong and overwhelming that there is absolutely nothing he would NOT do for Sam. And that is what I love so much in this character.

I am a complete Sam girl, but have to admit.. Dean is a better man, a deeper and more honest character than Sam any damn day.

Thanks once again sweetie :)

JEEZ you're good!...Seriously, stop being so awesome, you're making the rest of us look bad. ;P *giggles and goes back to count the 'pains' in the story* ;P

Hey cmon! It's a writing style.. to be repetitive? Umm.. *squints*.. yeah, in some languages :P

cheers hon.