Cyndra Rae (cyndrarae) wrote,
Cyndra Rae

Mutant X: Blues (B/J) - 12: Mean to me

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~Sanctuary, One week later.~


Jesse sat at his usual terminal, staring off into cyber space. The last week since their return from DC had been torture and not just on the men involved. Whenever the two were around, the tension in the air got so thick, you could reach out and touch it. The men made normal conversation when with others. But left alone in the same vicinity, deathly silence inevitably returned.

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me,
A place that keeps my heart out on it's own.
A disconnected function of my wretchedness,
That keeps me so hard pressed…

All week, Jesse would inevitably find some excuse to alienate himself from the rest and nobody resisted too much either. Least of all Brennan.
The rest, well, they figured he’d do what he always did… deal with his issues in private and come back to the group when he was fine. He’d laugh and he’d joke and resume his usual place in the corner, as if nothing had ever happened. Jess was such a great actor. Even Adam bought it.

It's a place where words are spoken you will never hear,
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come,
An empty lung that won't give the wind to speak at me,
How far can I be from home…


During the first few days, all Jesse did was sulk. About how unfair life was… about how dense Brennan was that he couldn’t see how much Jesse missed him… and how pathetic he himself was being. Hating and loving Brennan all at the same time. On occasions, the rage would subside and Jesse remembered the look of pain in Brennan’s eyes back at the parking lot. When he’d walked away without looking back. He remembered the apologies that had meant nothing to him at the time.
Did Jesse overreact? So he was hurt and angry and with *good* reason… but did it justify what he was about to do himself?

There were times when… hell he even understood. Brennan’s disregard of his feelings hurt. Really hurt. But perhaps Brennan has had his own set of insecurities to deal with. And he wouldn’t be the first man in the world to be shitting bricks about his gayness becoming public knowledge. His reasons were hardly unpredictable, maybe even sort of natural for someone in his situation. So he’d managed to open all of Jesse’s past wounds in the process, but he didn’t know that.

~I cant forget.~
How often had this happened to him? Being ignored, sidelined… disowned. He forgot none of it… but somehow he’d managed to put it all behind him and create for himself this new life with MutantX. With Adam and Shalimar, Jesse found the stability and the security of a family. With Brennan, he *thought* he’d found love and trust and more security… but he was wrong.

~I wish I could forget.~
And he wished he could talk about it. To someone… anyone. But he didn’t know how. The knot in his stomach rose to his throat and wedged itself there permanently, choking him day or night.

By the seventh day, it became harder and harder to remember if he was still angry with Brennan or not. And even harder to deny the fact that he was completely… and hopelessly in love. It hurt so much to see Brennan hurting. He could see the pain in his eyes every time he’d chance a look at him, hoping he wouldn’t notice him back.

But Brennan did. Now and again, he would feel the very familiar tingle on his neck that happened every time Jesse looked at him. Brennan knew Jesse was struggling, as much as he was struggling himself. He knew his feelings were not unrequited but Jesse was an extremely guarded man these days. Brennan had a feeling it went deeper than what he could see on the surface, but he didn’t know who to turn to.

Shalimar growled at him every time he so much as approached her. She was angry because apparently Jesse was shunning her as well. He’d never done that before and she took it as a sign things were *really* bad. Adam had tried to talk to him, but Jesse would not give in so easily. Adam made his move and sat back, waiting for Jesse to accept his help. Of course he would… eventually… but by end of week Adam was getting worried.
Emma refused to discuss what happened with Adam and Shal, she considered it intruding enough that *she* knew.

“He will come to you when he’s ready.” She muttered impatiently when Shalimar voiced her concern for the nth time.
“Unless you want me to blow his mind and make him talk.”

A mission to rescue a distraught couple’s mutant children from Genomex kept them on their toes most of the week, and Jesse’s silence melted into the background as imminent danger took to the fore. But Brennan never failed to feel Jesse’s eyes on him, never missed the muted breaths of relief to see him come back safe from another encounter with agents. Inwardly, he even managed to smile on the sixth day.
~Hang in there Mulwray, there just might be hope for you yet.~


The molecular halted, he was just about to rush back to his room. Mission over, the Smiths were flying over the Atlantic and away from the clutches of GSA at this very moment. Shalimar was okay, Brennan had a narrow escape and Jesse feared the relief on his face might give him away completely. He had to get away.
“We need to talk.”
Brennan limped slightly as he walked upto Jesse. The latter turned around and crossed his arms against his chest.
“What about?”
“You and me.”

An eternity passed in silence before Jesse turned back and started walking away.
“There is nothing to talk.”
“Jess don’t do this.”
He was angry now. First the bastard doesn’t bother trying to talk for a whole week. Then scares the hell out of him by almost getting himself incinerated… and now *this*. The next words were spit with absolute rage.
“If there is a point get to it now Mulwray, you’re losing my attention.”
Brennan was so taken aback, literally. He actually took a step back.
“I… just want you to think about the good times Jess. Don’t… don’t throw away what we had… what we could still have.”
And with that Brennan turned around, and limped off without waiting for a response. Jesse stood seething at his back and then turned around to rush to his room. His face burned, his eyes burned.
He felt miserable at what he’d done.

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?



Brennan collapsed onto his minimalist bed heavily. His head hurt and his ribs hurt and he didn’t think he could get up for a month. The mission was exhausting physically, but this whole… *thing* with… Jesse… was tiring him out mentally. Squeezing him dry.

He had no idea how long he was out of it before a knock repeated itself on his door. He grunted a ‘go-way’, which apparently wasn’t response enough. Emma quietly tiptoed in and slid the door behind her. Came around and crouched by Brennan’s side where he lay on his stomach. Gently stroked his brow until he sighed in surrender and forced one eye open.
Emma smiled. She hadn’t smiled at anyone in over a month.
“You need closure.”
Brennan raised his head and frowned. “What?”
“You need to go back.”
“Em what are you talking about?”
Emma placed her ice cold palm flat on his temple. Brennan didn’t flinch, until a second later when the images hit him full-force.

*** Phoenix, Arizona, two years ago… ***

That night, rather early next morning four am… Brennan left the Devil’s Workshop to go back to his place… apartment, pad, dwelling… never a home. He hadn’t had a home for ten years. He hated this hour of the day with a vengeance. It was four am when they’d pronounced her dead. He’d looked around himself… seedy hospital general ward… saw his stepfather walk in… a free man when he should’ve been hanged. She died so very young… the only family he knew, only home he ever had. And his innocence died with her.

That was then, this is now. Four am, cold winter morning, quiet, desolate, derelict… then in the distance Brennan heard police sirens. Moving into the shadows he put up his jacket hood, dug his hands in pockets and sped up his pace.
~Just be cool. Be cool.~
He passed a crime scene, police cars and an ambulance. Handful of people stood gawking at a body lying in the middle of the street and thank God they were distracted.
~Stay calm. Walk away, just walk…~
Brennan hadn’t meant to look at the bloody mess but look he did… at first he didn’t make much of it except that it seemed a horrible way to go… and then he looked again.

It was the boy with the green eyes. The boy who’d come looking for an Anthony at the bar.
Beside his mutilated and shot remains on the street, someone had been considerate enough to leave a postscript in the boy’s own red blood.

***** (end flashback)

Brennan woke up with a start, panting, sweating profusely. He looked around his empty room. Had he dreamt of Emma in here? Vaguely he reminded himself that Emma wasn’t the point. Then what was?

“Phoenix. I have to go back.”

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be
From home

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so fucking mean to me?


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