October 3rd, 2005

JM: Young tilted head closeup

Mutant X: Blues (B/J) - 9: Second-hand emotions

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~Remington, DC.~


Jesse observed dispassionately as the handsome stranger flopped down beside him on the couch. Typical fixture this piece of furniture no matter which club you go… it’s like you’re expected to make out… third base no less or the night’s a washout. Jesse knew what Jack wanted and knew he should not be encouraging any more of his advances. But deep inside, he yearned for the solace of anonymous arms… no acknowledgment necessary. Because for once, none would be expected.

Ryan drew a deep breath as he leaned in closer, shoulders touching… warmth not at all unnerving. He began to chatter about mundane things, not that Jesse was listening. He soaked in the constant buzzing in his head and the surprising non-awkwardness of the moment. He wondered if Brennan was still with his buddies, drinking… laughing at him…

“I need a drink.”
“No you don’t.”
Skewered Ryan with a look that said ‘who the fuck do you think you are’ but was ignored. He tried to get up but was pulled back. The bigger man leaned in further and Jesse retreated, until he lost his balance again and lay flat on his back. Pinned down.
Jesse snickered uncomfortably.
“Sir if this is your idea of a quick seduction I gotta tell ya its not going so well.”
In response he only received an avid stare… the stranger looked him in the eye.
“Your eyes…”
Jesse braced himself, remembering his shaking effort with Shal’s eyeliner… afraid. Soft fingertips lightly touching the crease lines by his eyes, making no attempt to rub off the stray swipe of blue there… Ryan thought it endearing really.
“So beautiful…”
Jesse almost wept, but he didn’t believe. He needed to escape.
“I need a drink.”

“Are you *trying* to knock yourself out?”
“None of your goddamn business.”
Jack pulled Jesse up and closer so their lips touched. Almost.
“Give me a chance Jesse, whatever your demons… I won’t let them get you tonight. I promise.”

Jesse stilled, he so wanted to believe, give in. But his mind was warped with too many emotions and not enough sobriety to sort them out. Anger, resentment, sadness, humiliation… aching, longing, needing…
It was all too much and not enough. For once, Jesse wanted *not* to rationalize. He did not want to understand, did not want to take the higher ground damnit. For once he did not want to forgive and forget however much trouble and disappointment he might cause Adam and… the rest. He wanted to rave and scream and cry his heart out because it was all too much. And not enough.

“Jesse… ”
Someone tugged at him, made him focus on the face before him… not Brennan’s. A stranger… would it hurt Brennan if he slept with this man? Would he care?
“You promise?”
Jack smiled. “I promise.”
Jesse nodded mutely.
“You’re wet. Were you walking in the rain?”
He held Jesse up who for his part was enjoying that boneless feeling of not having to carry his own dead weight. The jacket was gently tugged off and Ryan paused to admire the silk shirt revealed. With the harshness of black leather gone, Jesse morphed back to this exquisite creature almost fragile to touch. He would have to be careful, Ryan mused. Jesse shivered not from the cold.
“It… It was a gift.”
“Its something else alright… he’s got taste, whoever gave this to you.”
Jesse closed his eyes against the memories.
~I can do this I can do this I can do this…~

You must understand though the touch of your hand
makes my pulse react…


Hands… smoothening creases down his chest, softly brushing nipples that soon became visible through the sheer fabric. Shirt teased out from velvet trousers, bare navel nuzzled into circles leaving him gasping for breath.

Palm molded round the curve of left buttock eliciting a moan. Legs were pushed slightly apart… inside of left thigh massaged with persistence… inching inwards. Movements stiffened as Jesse recovered enough to push the hand away and Ryan relented. Instead he gripped under the left knee, adept fingers playing Jesse’s senses like his favored cello from right there.
“You like this? Tell me you like this…”
~No! No!~
“Yes… yes…”

Jesse sobbed silently, miserable at his helplessness… cursing his weakness. He wondered at the wanton image he must make… cradled between leather armrest and large encompassing arms of a strange man… man he knew nothing about except *probably* his name… man who was licking his way up from his already sensitized belly… exposing skin with every button undone. Head thrown back as he was usually wont to do when it all became too much. And not enough.

It's physical, only logical.
You must try to ignore,
that it means more than that…


Pleasure he did not want, pain he couldn’t bear… couldn’t stop Jack as more of his body was touched and stroked and forced to respond, which it did. This wasn’t what he wanted. This was exactly what he needed.
So many memories to kill… and *fuck* not enough to drink…

What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
What’s love but a second-hand emotion?
What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken…


Jack shifted the bodies until Jesse lay back on the couch and Jack sat between his spread legs that rested on top of his own thighs. He bent down to hold the boy to himself close, shielding Jesse’s upper torso with his own as much as anatomically possible. Trembling hands occasionally tried to push him away, only to reconsider and pull him back in. He finally decided to stop the game and take control… straightened up and pushed unsure wrists over Jesse’s head. Grounded his hard self between Jesse’s legs that couldn’t be closed. Jesse writhed, in pleasure or agony… who knew.

It may seem to you, that I'm acting confused,
when you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed, I read it someplace
I've got cause to be…

Lust overrode Jesse’s senses as Jack kissed his way down from Jesse’s forehead to his jaw line to his neck. Nestled there for awhile until the writhing increased threefold and moved in for the kill. Warm mouth closed over Jesse’s giving him no time to reconsider this one. Reflexively the boy pulled back. But Jack was not in the mood for games anymore. Hands cradled face by the ears not letting Jesse escape.

Too fast. Too fast.
“J-Jack… no…”
Wrists returning to struggle and yet not… he didn’t want this… this wasn’t Brennan… exactly… this wasn’t Brennan… do you want him to be Brennan? He wont hurt you… there is nothing he can hurt you with… he doesn’t know you, yet. Do you care? No you don’t… yes you do… this is not Brennan… you want Brennan… fuck… Brennan doesn’t want you…

His mouth was being devoured and he couldn’t deny the stirrings in his groin. But his mind was in turmoil… every instinct he owned screamed to run, every stubborn streak he’d grown tonight pushed him to stay on… the look on Brennan’s face when he got to know would be worth it… yes…
Would it?

“Jack… Jack stop…”
Jack was lost in his whirlwind of passion and didn’t quite hear that. Jesse grimaced under Ryan’s lips… he so wanted to be just a regular guy tonight. He so didn’t wanna be reminded or be in need of his mutation but then again, nothing was going his way anyway. He closed his eyes and took the deep breath he needed just before…

Before a deep, hissing noise jarred him from his right.
“He told you to stop.”


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JM: Young tilted head closeup

Mutant X: Blues (B/J) - 10: What now my love..

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~Washington Opera House, DC.~


Emma was very quiet… well, quieter than usual when she returned and took her seat next to Adam. He was predictably concerned.
“Emma is something the matter?”
Emma turned on the couple.
“You both knew Jesse’s history in this city didn’t you? You know how much pain is associated with Washington D.C in his mind. Then why did you make him stay? Why didn’t we leave yesterday? Why can’t you just keep us damn freaks quarantined from the rest of the world like you’re supposed to??”
She caught Shalimar and Adam’s appropriately shocked expressions just before the lights went out.


At the Remington, Jesse had had enough. He was drunk but not enough to allow himself to be sexually molested by a complete stranger. He breathed in deep and was about to phase through Jack when the intrusion happened.
“He wants you to stop.”

A strange hardened voice that Jack couldn’t ignore. Specially when he felt Jesse ferociously freeze at the sound of it. Jack looked up to see who it was, Jesse didn’t need to.
Brennan stood not six feet apart, stance rigid, eyes burning… fists inside his duster pockets and yet visibly clenched quite tight. Jack could see he was showing amazing restraint staying at that distance.
“This your demon?”
Ryan asked Jesse, who suddenly unfroze at the question, started to push himself up and away from Ryan… changed his mind… and fell back on the couch listless.

~Brennan is here!~
Wasn’t this what he wanted? For Brennan to come for him? Or Brennan to see him with someone else? Fuck his head hurt.

Jack paused to lovingly caress Jesse’s face. Jesse’s first instinct was to shrug it off, then he remembered Bren was still watching… leaned into the touch.
“He said: Stop.”
Jack spoke to Jesse instead. As far as he was concerned, it’d all been completely consensual.
“You want me to take care of this?”
Brennan snorted. Oh so chivalrous. He was glad he’d decided to come back to this floor and have another look. If he hadn’t, someone would have gotten seriously hurt in here. And he was sure it wouldn’t have been Jesse. But there was no concealing his anger at what he’d just seen happen. What Jesse probably *allowed* to happen.

Jesse straightened up this time, shook his head at Ryan.
“No need. Let’s go… you got a ride?”
Jesse stood up and picked his jacket, Jack got up slowly… noticing the boy’s rushed movements that also galvanized Brennan to close in.
“Jesse please…”
“You got a place too I presume?”
“Stop this Jess, you’re not going with him.”
“I got a place.”
“And he’s got a boyfriend.”
Brennan had had enough. He closed the distance and pushed Jesse behind himself, facing off with Ryan.
“Look man Jess is upset. He’s doing this only to get to me, it’s got nothing to do with you.”
Ryan scowled, Jesse shoved at Brennan. The torrent of emotions in his mind immediately replaced by sudden and pure rage.
“Back off man! Go back to your *blood-brothers*, I don’t need your bullshit anymore!”
“Jess please, you don’t need to do this.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t know what I need.”
“I know you don’t want this Jesse, I heard you say No.”
“People say things they don’t always mean Mulwray, who knows this better than you?”
That hurt. But he knew Jesse hurt more and his eyes watered.

“Jesse. I am. So sorry. I acted like a jerk. Please let me make up to you, please don’t do this.”
“Make up to me?” Jesse laughed, a sound uttered in complete misery.
“What for Brennan? You did *nothing* wrong. It’s my fault I keep trusting and fallin’ for the same damn gig over and over. It’s my fault I’m still not used to it by now. And I should be, God knows I’ve had *enough* practice.”
Brennan didn’t understand. “Jesse what are you…?”
“Nothing! You don’t have to make up to me for anything. I just wanna forget it alright? Everything.”


Brennan couldn’t respond to that. And the couple just stood and stared each other down. Ryan who’d been standing beside Jesse all this while, seized his chance to speak.
“Umm Kilmartin maybe… we should do this some other time?”
Both squabbling men were surprised. A ray of hope shone for Brennan. Jesse squashed it.
“No, I’m done here. For good. If… you’re still…?”
Hesitation. But Jack nodded affirmative. Brennan was outright ignored. His heart broke as he reached out trying to touch Jesse who stepped away… just out of reach.

There was pain but there was determination in Jesse’s eyes. Brennan did not stop him as Jesse held out a hand towards Jack and the latter took it. If Jesse had made up his mind to end it, there was nothing he could do to change that. He got the feeling he was giving up something extremely precious without so much as a fight. But there was only so far he could go without Jesse wanting to meet half way. And Jesse would not budge.

Besides Brennan was hurting too. Seeing Jesse with another man was tearing him apart.

The departing figure had the grace to pause. But not turn. Brennan choked on the next words he uttered. Barely whispered.
“If… if you leave now… after tonight… it just might be too late. For us.”
Jesse didn’t turn, didn’t flinch.
“It already is.”
Brennan stood still as stone as he watched the man he now knew he deeply loved, leave a second time that night. With someone else. The Sinatra wannabes played on.

What now my love, now that you’ve left me
How can I live through another day
Watching my dreams turn to ashes,
and my hopes turn to bits of clay…


Jesse clenched and unclenched his fists as he led the way out of Remington’s toward the underground parking lot. Jack was the bigger man and still had to run in order to keep up with Jesse’s hurried strides.
“Jess… Jesse wait up, I want to talk about this.”
Irritation marred the sharp features as Jesse abruptly stopped and turned to face Ryan.
“There is nothing to talk about! Look do you want me or not?”
Ryan response was to close the distance and kiss Jesse fervently.
“I want you so bad it hurts man…” then sighing deeply, he separated.
“But I am not sure you’re in this for the right reasons.”
“Fuck my reasons, forget about that guy Jack. He doesn’t matter. Not any more.”
Pitch feverish and trembling… desperate… tentative.

Outward, Jesse was losing patience. Inside, he was grateful that Jack was still providing him with an exit… and very much expected him to take it. Of course Jesse didn’t really want Jack. All he wanted was to… to crawl into his bed back at the Sanctuary and go to sleep for a hundred years. He was so tired, of running and of pretending… of hurting. He just wanted it to stop. But instead here he was, trapped in his own game of deception and revenge… had he seduced Jack? Au contraire… but he *did* let things get out of control… deliberately… in the hope of the minutest eventuality that Brennan might actually come looking for him.
And he did. Brennan did.

Before he could dwell any longer on that little fact and why it made him feel marginally better… he realised Jack’s lips were moving.
“… just know you will leave in the middle of the night and I hate waking up alone.”

Jack sighed, and launched into another tirade about how much he liked Jesse and didn’t want this to be a one night thing. How could he? When he barely knew him?

~Exactly. He likes you because he doesn’t know you.~
~Okay that’s not fair. And probably true.~
Jesse tuned him out… his sanity approaching crumbling point and he did the only thing that struck him as easier than talking. He kissed Jack.

~You don’t need to do this, get out. Get away!~
Kissed him with all his might. Stood on his toes to get maximum leverage, clung to the bigger man’s shoulders as if his life depended on it.

~Finish this. Get it over with… and your revenge will be complete.~
The kiss deepened, alternating between passion and coercion… attraction and repulsion, victory and defeat. Jesse gripped at Jack’s crotch and shoved him back against the wall. Jack responded to the stimulation as he pulled Jesse as close to him as possible.

~This is not revenge. I like him. I really like him.~
~Yeah right.~

Jack found his voice amid the breathlessness and suggested they head for his place before going any further. But Jesse wouldn’t let him. He was intent on getting it on right here against the cold steel wall.
Why not?
Because if he went some place far away Brennan might not be able to track him down again. ~Hey he found me once, he could do it again.~
~If he wanted to, that is.~
~No. Sure he would. He’s gonna come down here any minute now… any minute…~

Wait… What?

Once I could see, once I could feel
Now I am numb, I’ve become unreal
I walk the night, without a goal
Stripped of my heart and my soul…

Jack knew that he’d lost, the moment Jesse broke off the kiss… tensing up in his arms. But he couldn’t bring himself to let go just yet. He rested his forehead against Jesse’s, each catching their respective breaths.
“I… I’m sorry.”
Ryan gently pushed back the sweaty fringes and kissed them.
“You love him…”
Jesse nodded surly. “I’m a sucker for pain.”
Jack knew he should let go of him now and move on with his life soon as possible. This had gone way too far. He should’ve walked away the moment that dark guy had shown up. He never should’ve hit on Jesse at all. He never should’ve come to the Remington’s tonight period.

What now my love, now that it’s over
I feel the world falling all around me
Here come the stars, tumbling around me
There’s the sky, where that sea should be…

And yet Jack couldn’t will himself to let go. A brief encounter with this boy and already his emotions were all over the place. Jack knew if he let go of Jesse now he would never have him again. And yet he knew it wouldn’t be right. The memory he *knew* he’d cherish forever, Jesse would regret… forever.
The boy shifted in his arms uncomfortably. He still didn’t let go.

What now my love, now there is nothing
Only my last, my last good-bye…


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JM: Young tilted head closeup

Mutant X: Blues (B/J) - 11: Boys dont cry..

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~Remington, DC.~


Brennan sat on the same sofa he’d seen Jesse lying on three minutes ago… sat in surrender, head bowed, resting on folded hands. He wondered if it was his imagination that he could still smell Jesse on the leather.
~There was nothing I could do. There is nothing I *can* do.~

Brennan wasn’t sure what to feel. Was he entitled to feel anger at Jesse’s actions after what he’d done to him tonight? Probably not. But at least he wasn’t out being unfaithful to his… his… what? Boyfriend? Lover? If it were so, why did he not acknowledge this lover of his in front of his friends? How could he just turn around and pretend like Jesse did not even exist? Brennan could only imagine what that must have felt like to Jesse. Cringed at the guilty memory… so lost was he in his past… he forgot he did not need Korso and his gang’s approval anymore. He forgot that Jesse was his family now.
How the fuck could he?

I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind


The folded hands curled into each other and Brennan brought them down into the glass table before him. The glass cracked into a thousand piece jigsaw pattern but did not shatter. So damn unsatisfactory.

Jesse had been extremely understanding of Brennan’s inhibitions regarding their relationship. But obviously tonight had been the last straw. Something was off with him ever since they’d come to DC and Brennan suspected it might have something to do with Jesse’s history here though he hardly knew anything about it. On top of that, he’d managed to push Jesse over the edge. Was there no end to his bastard-ness?

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes


Brennan bit back sobs of frustration. Stood up and paced the length of the couch. The image of Jesse beneath that other man painfully vivid in his mind’s eye. Closed his eyes, whirled around in a rush as if the movement could dislodge the images. It didn’t. He opened his eyes and tried to focus on something else… anything else beside the stupid couch.

A couple caught his eye, holding hands, enjoying the live band music. Were they this openly affectionate outside the club? Or would they part ways pretending they didn’t know each other? He remembered earlier that day in the mall… when Jesse had wanted to hold hands and he’d… well he’d made it clear he wasn’t interested. He remembered the way Jesse’s face had fallen just for that split second it took him to don his usual mask of nonchalance.

~Shit, what stops Jesse from assuming I am interested in nothing but the sex? I’ve given him no reason to believe otherwise.~

Breathing became an impossibility. Brennan couldn’t stand it any longer. He couldn’t stay put while Jesse was out there fucking a stranger only to get back at *him*. No, he wouldn’t let that happen. If he didn’t wish to be with Brennan anymore that was fine. But he won’t let him do anything he knew Jesse would regret the morning after.

“I love you Jesse.”
He announced to an audience of one. It was the first time he’d admitted that to himself.
~I always have…~
Brennan ran, fast as he could. Parking lot first. He fantasised about Jesse changing his mind at the last moment and Jack going crazy and then he would make his dramatic entry in true MutantX style and kick Ryan’s ass and rescue his love… and then Jesse would forgive him and come back to him and…
“Get a grip Mulwray. Get a fucking grip!”

I would tell you that I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already gone away


~Get a grip, you’re losing it Kilmartin.~
Jack finally left, drove away alone not looking back at Jesse who stood leaning against the wall. He didn’t move. He didn’t make a sound. He didn’t know where to start.

~Now what?~
The alcohol had lost its effect a while ago, back in the moment he saw Brennan… eyes flaming furiously at the sight of Jesse kissing Jack. The expression on his face as hurt as it was hurtful.

Jesse absently wiped at his right eye, his fingers coming back with a smudge of blue. Ah yes, he would have to be careful he didn’t start crying… took ages to get that thing right. Brennan hadn’t commented on it. Did he even see it? Jesse laughed at his thoughts… so all over the place. He’d given Brennan no chance to notice anything except Jack’s tongue in his mouth and Jack’s hand tearing at his brand new shirt.

~You hurt him. He is not coming back.~
~He hurt me too. Why then do I want him back?~
Too many questions. No answers. Jesse slid down the wall, sat with hands locked around his knees… knees pressed to his chest.

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more


Running footsteps behind him alerted Jesse there was company coming. Deserted parking lot, night time… how many times had they been caught unawares by the GSA like this? But somehow tonight he couldn’t bring himself to assume the defensive stance he was trained to. Fuck GSA.
~I will brood if I want to and you cant stop me.~

Jesse looked up, it was Brennan of course. No surprise there. But he felt too numb and also a bit sheepish to generate an appropriately witty reaction. Instead he settled for a nice long glare and then looked away. Back at the blue color staining his fingers.
Brennan was relieved beyond words to find Jesse, alone and still intact. He looked around though to check if they still had company.
“You look disappointed.”
The tall man whipped around at the biting remark from his (ex?) lover. Brennan bent forward and rested hands on knees, breathless from the running.
“I… was sorta hoping he’d be here so I could box his pretty face in.”
Jesse smiled sadly. “He left.”
Brennan gathered his wits about him, gut in knots. He had to know.
“Did he… did you… did he…?”
Jesse sighed and shook his head, and Brennan let a deep breath out with immense gratitude. Jesse wasn’t looking anywhere except his locked knuckles.

“Jesse… I’m *so* sorry…”
“There is no excuse, none. It was like I regressed two years I… I couldn’t stop… I still can’t believe it… Jess…”
Brennan ran out of words and still no response.
“I know there is no excuse but I… I just want you to know…”
He realised the other man wasn’t taking this very well. Jesse did not want to know his reasons, did not want to *understand*. He wanted only to cling to his rage, longer than Brennan would ordinarily prefer.

“Someday, if you’re interested… I’d like to tell you why, why I behaved the way I did.”
“Like a jerk?”
Brennan nodded. He was glad Jesse was finally participating in the conversation. He approached the curled up figure cautiously.
“Like a jerk. A complete, asinine jerk. An asshole. Bastard.”
Jesse snickered silently. “Good, so we agree.”
Brennan came closer, fearing Jesse would bolt.
“I know that you’re upset… and you have all the reason to. And… and I will understand if you… if you need time, but… Jesse…”
He waited for Jesse’s response, none forthcoming. Jesse just looked away, hiding his face from Brennan’s view.
“We do need to work together, live together at the Sanctary and… and we should really work this out don’t you think?”
~Something. Anything! Talk to me baby.~

Classic Jesse in sulk mode… complete and utter silence. Only Adam could make him talk when he got like this, and no amount of desperation on Brennan’s part would help. Brennan felt himself running out of patience.
He ran fingers through his hair, rubbed his eyes as if to clear the fog of frustration obstructing his senses. What could he do? What could he possibly say?

“When I saw you with that man…”
“You felt angry. Betrayed. Hurt.”
Brennan was taken aback, not so much by the words as by the dead tone in Jesse’s voice.
“That’s not what I was going to say.”

Brennan was nearer.
“Hurt yes but more than that, it made me realise that…”
“That I am not worth all this trouble anyway?”
“What? No! Why do you keep doing that?”
A second time that night Brennan heard Jesse demean himself and it disturbed him beyond words. Even angered him, and he went to Jesse’s side and sank to his knees beside him.
“Jesse listen to me, stop blaming yourself. I am the bad guy here, the asshole and the bastard remember? It was not your fault.”
Silence. But he could see Jesse trembling, not all from the cold.
“Jesse talk to me.”

~Yeah right.~
Brennan was desperate. He wondered if he could touch Jesse without him ramming a solid phased fist into his jaw or worse, shrinking away from him to nothingness. Fought to hold back a frustrated sob.
“Can you forgive me?”
“I already have.”
Silence. Jesse looked up to meet the anxious brown eyes, brimming with shock and foreboding.
“But I can’t forget.”

Jesse saw the tears well up then, felt the complete misery radiating off Brennan and he ached all over. Wanted so much to let go of his own tears… to scream and rant until he was empty of all this bitterness inside. Wanted so much to take Brennan in his arms… there was so much he wanted to *say* to this man he… he loved. Yes he did. And yet…
“I’ll see you back at the hotel okay.”
Jesse left.

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry, Boys don't cry


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