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cyndrarae

Rebelling against Reality since 2003

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SPN: Dean & Sam manip - misread(!)
cyndrarae

SPN drabble (from an incomplete fic): Stealing you (Dean/Sam, R)

Title: Stealing you / Sleep deprivation (couldn't decide)
Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one.
Rating: R
Summary: Sam/Dean. Another 'Dean returns' post-S3 finale fic I started writing but got sidetracked by the “Darkness never dies” bunny, and now I’m all wrung out with the angst so no intentions of finishing this, like EVER. What you read here is intended to be an out-of-control sleep deprivation-induced rambling from Sam’s POV.
Author Notes: The bigger story was supposed to be about how Sam is paranoid and traumatized by the thought of losing Dean again but Dean is battling his own demons and doesn’t notice what his silence is doing to Sam until much later. I have no energy left to complete this but it’s also something I cannot possibly use or plug into any of my other ongoing projects so… guess I’m just gonna put this out here. Sorry if it’s patchy and not quite right,*shrugs* but that’s all she wrote, folks.
Word Count: 780

***

I’ve been watching you sleep ever since you came back.

The lights are all off but we keep a curtain undrawn, to let the moonlight or neonlights from the motel sign outside trickle in, protect us from the pitch black that you can’t stand anymore.

It takes getting used to but I can see you in the dark, clear as crystal as if it were mid-day. I take in everything of you - the lines, the scars, the freckles, and the two-day old stubble that you don’t seem to want to shave anymore.

Your eyelids are moving, your brow is faintly twitching; your lips are falling open to gasp in more air than you normally need. It’s a nightmare, another one, another torturous, inescapable aftermath of your mistake that brought me back.

But you’re here now, body and soul, back with me where you belong. And I can’t stand it that they still, that she still manages to steal you away. Fuck the rules and fucking deals and destinies. I fought for you; I won you back. And there’s no way in hell I’d let them take you from me again. Never again.

I stand up, shrugging out of my t-shirt that once was yours then mine, and now it’s so old and short and tattered, the Salvation Army would be insulted. Step out of my sweats and briefs and off my bed and into yours.

You lie on your side, left palm stuck under your face, on top of the covers fully clothed. It’s how you seem to crash these days, aching and spent and hot, vestiges of adrenaline still thrumming through your fire-filled veins. Doesn’t matter if it took you hours to sleep in the first place, too bad. I need to wake you up to bring you back, and hell, that’s just what I’m going to do.

I fit myself along the arc of your body, press my chest against yours and wind my arms round your neck. You resist when I slide one hand under you but I don’t care, pull you close and press my face against yours with determined vehemence. Hot and cold and sweat-soaked, I kiss your lips gently at first; then coaxing and prodding and insisting until you let me in, even if you’re not fully awake yet.

I wait it out as you go slowly from unresponsive to rigid to pliant, counting down with glee the shadows waning behind your eyes. And when your hands reach out to clutch at my arms, my hair, my face, I want to holler and dance and celebrate, ‘cause I know this round is mine.

It’s how the battle against pain must be won, bit by bit, round by round. Again and again and again.

It’s why I let myself get strangled more often, to distract you every time you're about to go Slashy McHacky on a meat-suit. It’s why I veer off lanes and into oncoming traffic, every time you’d rather stare out the window blankly than drive.

It’s why I’m never hungry if you’re not, and I don’t work out if you don’t, and I don’t take a break when you won’t and I don’t care how hard you cuff me, I’m still always two steps behind.

It’s why I play your favorite rock stations and sing at the top of my tone-deaf lungs, just so you’d roll your eyes and scowl and tell me to shut up like I was twelve. It’s why I go all maudlin and teary and chick-flicky, every time you start to remember something else I’d rather you not, something vivid and gory and useless.

It’s why I beg you to take me in your ice cold showers and shiver until you see my lips turn blue, until you sigh and reach for the hot water knob. It’s why I drink too much and keep you occupied, so you can’t go looking for the person you used to be at the bottom of a bottle of scotch.

I’m a selfish sonofabitch, I know.

And I don’t care. You’re mine. I fought for you; I won you back.

Talk to me, cry to me, stay with me. Hit me. Fuck me. Choose me. ‘Cause you know I won’t let them steal you away from me, not physically or mentally, not even metaphorically. Not again, not ever again.

You thrust into me one last time, letting go of your fears and despair at last and can't help but smile - that gorgeous, rare, untainted smile. Exhausted, I wrap you up in my tangle of limbs and watch your lashes touchdown softly on your cheeks.

I’ve been watching you sleep ever since you came back.


***

A/N: It's not so dark, is it really? C'mon... *thinks* it really is dark, innit? *facepalm*

I LOVE this. Oh Sam ... driving and singing off-tune and doing everything the way Dean did, just so the be there with Dean. And maybe, they would find their healing along the way.

ps This does not feel incomplete. It's not at all patchy, and it very much feels right.

Oh God this was amazingly beautiful!!! Sammy you go and stay egoistic! LOVED IT!!!

:D Thank you so much for reading and reviewing hon. Glad you enjoyed it :)

I like how you jump right in there with Sam's emotions. It's raw, honest and clenches your heart! And you have this completel circle happening starting and finishing with the same line :). Perfect! thank you sweetie for sharing *hugz*

Thank you so much sweetie! I'm so glad you liked it *hugs back* :)

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Re: it feels perfectly complete just now

Thank you so much for reading!! :) Sam is not willing to give in on Dean yet, but he's paying a price as well which he doesn't realize himself.
I'm glad you enjoyed it sweetie :)

Well, yes, it *is* dark. But I think the 1st person, present tense pov makes it intimate and increases the feeling of need. We *know* what Sam's feeling, so the dark tone is understandable-it's not like he's gone off the deep end or something.


And this line?

"I wrap you up in my tangle of limbs and watch your lashes touchdown softly on your cheeks. "

That's pretty. :)

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing sweetie. Yep he's not gone off the deep end yet heh. Glad you enjoyed it !! cheers hon :)

Definitely didn't feel incomplete or patchy.

You managed to pack a hell of a lot of emotions into those 780 words.

I felt so much for Sam ... a sense of isolation, loss, sorrow, helplessness and most of all the glimmer of hope that he can bring Dean back to himself.

Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you sweetie!! I thought writing Sam's POV might be more challenging - because you know Dean won't be the only one suffering yeah. Glad you felt all his emotions just the way I hoped you would :) cheers hon *hugs*

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Heh I guess you're right :) But now I'm done.. *raises hands* No more finale inspired fic haha.
Thank you so much for reading sweetie, your opinion means the world to me! *hugs* :)

PS: My muse is a he!! :D A Sammy-faced fiesty little sprite thingie ;) *giggles*

Edited at 2008-05-28 05:23 pm (UTC)

It’s beautifully dark, sweety. That’s a good thing, actually ;) It is a bit…I wouldn’t exactly say "patchy", here and there, but that actually adds emotionally to the story if you ask me; we’ll call it the desperate-rant pace, and it works out nicely.
Thanks! *hugs*

You're being too sweet to me :) I do think the flow of the words is bumpy and rambly and its partly by design and partly 'cause.. *sighs* I was tired, I didn't wanna work on it anymore hehe :D But I'm glad you read and still enjoyed it sweetie, thank you!!! *hugs* :)

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Thank you sweetheart! :) I'm glad you are such a dear friend and you always like whatever I post :D You're awesome you know that? *hugs and kisses* I love you.

PS: Just started an rps fic inspired by your Jared in skirt and panties ;)

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I generally can't stand first person, but this is beautiful, I loved it.
And just the kind of dark and tortured fic I love to read, so A+ from me. :) So yeah, dark, but in a good way.

You know I don't prefer first person myself, but I couldn't really get the words to impact as much as an outsider, you know? *shrugs* I'm really you read and liked it :) cheers!

Not so dark at all. Is a bit sad, but so beautiful. Sam's love is so BIG... Gorgeous.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :) Glad you could see through the insane ranting how much Sam really loves his brother. cheers hon!

That is one brilliant story.

Jas!! Thank you so much sweetie :) I'm glad you like it.

It IS dark, in that Sam sounds slightly deranged, but it's bittersweet and lovely at the same time. I love the idea of Sam FIGHTING and never giving up on Dean, almost as though their roles have switched. And the descriptions of all the things he does to stop Dean sliding away again are so Sam.

I really hope Sam does rescue him. They can't make Dean stay in Hell... that's just too cruel... right?

Thank you for reading and reviewing hon! Yep.. Sam's protectiveness is very strong here, while Dean is the one brooding and lost so in a way it is a role reversal.

I really hope Sam does rescue him. They can't make Dean stay in Hell... that's just too cruel... right?

It's extremely cruel and unfair and I don't know if I can ever forgive and stop being pissed off at Kripke for it :( Of course Dean will come back, there is no show without him.. but I hope they don't prolong his stay in hell because jeez *shudders*.. I don't like it either hon.

Wow. That was really great. I love how Sammy becomes so possessive. :D

Thank you so much!! I'm glad you liked it :)

Ok so reading this while listening to 'Even in Death' by Evanescense really completed the feel of it. I kind of see it actually working out like this (minus the dirtybadwrong but ohsogood 'not letting you go there again' sex).

So basically, yeah, this was wonderfully written.

Even in Death is pretty amazing in itself! Thank you so much for reading :) Yep I suppose Sam will have to take on a more protective role when Dean comes back.. minus the sex of course ;P
I'm so glad you enjoyed it :) cheers hon.

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